Narrator: It's a town that's not huge, but quite big enough
For buyers and sellers to sell and buy stuff,
From shoes and shirts and elongated ladders
To sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders. [Horn Honks]
So our story begins at the corner of Main and Montroob
In the spotless real estate office run by Hank Humberfloob.
Joan Walden: Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make your dreams come true? [People Chattering] What do you mean, you're leaving? You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave. They sit. Baby-leavers leave. I'm sorry. I really gotta go, Miss Walden. Well, I need to come home right away. All right. Thank you, Amy. Sorry [Sighs]
Mr. Humberfloob: Attention everyone! It's 9:02. Staff meeting! Staff meeting! [All Gasping, Murmuring] Look alive, everyone! First I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan!
Mr. Humberfloob: Firrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre-duh! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! As you know, tonight is our bimonthly "meet and greet" party. Tonight's host is Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in an informal, yet hygienic setting.
Joan Walden: Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.
Mr. Humberfloob: Ah, yes. Your children. Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time.... YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE-DUH!
Sally: Today's to-do list. Number one: make-to do list. Number two: Practice coloring. Number three: Research graduate schools. Number four: Be spontaneous. Number five: Create lasting childhood memories. And number six: Amend will. What is he doing? [Sighs]
Joan Walden: Save it, Conrad. Why today? Why do you have to pick today to destroy the house? You know what's happening today.
Sally: I tried to tell him, Mom. "Mom's throwing a very important party," I said. "All of her important clients will be here." But he went right ahead and wrecked the house and let Nevins get away. Now, again, I hope you're going to ground him.
Joan Walden: Yes, Sally, for a week, but that's none of your business.
Larry Quinn: Oh, Joan, Joan. Joan, Joan, Joan. I have so much respect for you, Joan. Single mother, careerwoman, raising two children on your own, and still finding time to be the best darned real estate agent in town. I know how hard it is, Joan.
Larry Quinn: Oh... I know. And I know how hard you're trying. This is a once-in-a-lifetime proposition, and you must act now. The Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy for Troubled Youth is what we call in the sales game a win-win scenario. A top-flight military school, and it's only eight hours away.
Conrad: I heard what you said. I'm not going to military school, Larry.
Larry Quinn: Look, buddy, I know I'm not your dad and this is probably really strange for your neighbor's dating your mom. But, here's the thing, son. Come here. I don't like you either. But I'm gonna marry your mom. And if it was up to me, you'd be at military school today.
Larry Quinn: Ohh! I think you're gonna love it. It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline. And one more thing... It's Lawrence, you snot-nosed son of a wonderful woman who I'm absolutely crazy about! [Grunting] Oww!