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The Cat in the Hat Script

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  • Narrator: There are a gajillions of stories of mischief and fun
  • But to keep things simple, let's just start with one.
  • About a mom and two kids and a house and a hat
  • That, oddly enough, was worn by a cat.
  • But soon enough we will get to all that.
  • In the valley that stretches from this hill to that hill,
  • A city is nestled. That city is Anville.
  • Alan: Hurry up! We'll miss the movie.
  • Jim McFinnigan: Any more tutti-frutti?
  • Alan: I'll check.
  • Jim McFinnigan: Thanks!
  • Narrator: It's a town that's not huge, but quite big enough
  • For buyers and sellers to sell and buy stuff,
  • From shoes and shirts and elongated ladders
  • To sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders. [Horn Honks]
  • So our story begins at the corner of Main and Montroob
  • In the spotless real estate office run by Hank Humberfloob.
  • Joan Walden: Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make your dreams come true? [People Chattering] What do you mean, you're leaving? You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave. They sit. Baby-leavers leave. I'm sorry. I really gotta go, Miss Walden. Well, I need to come home right away. All right. Thank you, Amy. Sorry [Sighs]
  • Mr. Humberfloob: Attention everyone! It's 9:02. Staff meeting! Staff meeting! [All Gasping, Murmuring] Look alive, everyone! First I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan!
  • Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you...
  • [All Gasping]
  • Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
  • Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?
  • Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
  • Jim McFinnigan: B-But I...
  • Mr. Humberfloob: Firrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre-duh! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! As you know, tonight is our bimonthly "meet and greet" party. Tonight's host is Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in an informal, yet hygienic setting.
  • Joan Walden: Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.
  • Mr. Humberfloob: Ah, yes. Your children. Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time.... YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE-DUH!
  • [Employess Gasping, Murmurming]
  • Joan Walden: That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob.
  • Mr. Humberfloob: Don't worry. I promise.
  • Joan Walden: My kids'll be on their best behavior.
  • Mr. Humberfloob: Great.
  • [Phone Rings]
  • Joan Walden: Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.
  • Narrator: If you leave Humberfloob's and turn left onto Main,
  • Three miles down you'll find Lipplapper Lane,
  • A pleasent-enough street in a pleasant-enough way
  • Where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborly "Hey!"
  • Joan Walden: Hey!
  • Jim McFinnigan: Hey!
  • Narrator: Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded,
  • And lawns were moved daily, twice daily if needed.
  • And at the end of the street, in a house like any other,
  • Something magical would happen to a sister and her brother.
  • [Nevins Barks]
  • Conrad: Shh! Nevins! Stealth mode.
  • Sally: Today's to-do list. Number one: make-to do list. Number two: Practice coloring. Number three: Research graduate schools. Number four: Be spontaneous. Number five: Create lasting childhood memories. And number six: Amend will. What is he doing? [Sighs]
  • Nevins: [Whines]
  • [Beeps]
  • Sally: Number ten: Make tomorrow's to-do list.
  • Conrad: Ladies and gentlemen! [Nevins Barking] Nevins, your attention, please. You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt ever performed under this roof!
  • Sally: Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related?
  • Conrad: Relax. I'll put everything back.
  • Nevins: [Whining]
  • Conrad: And now, for the indoor stair luge!
  • Sally: Indoor stair luge? I'll have to add this one to my list.
  • Conrad: Go have no fun somewhere else. It is showtime!
  • Nevins: [Whimpers]
  • Conrad: [Grunts] Whoa! [Yelling] Aah! Yeah! [Groans]
  • Joan Walden: Oh, my word!
  • [Nevins Barking]
  • Sally: Nevins! Nevins, come back!
  • Conrad: Hey, Mom. What's up?
  • Joan Walden: You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress.
  • Conrad: Mom, I know you're angry, but there's something you need to know. This was all Sally's fault.
  • Joan Walden: Oh, really? And how, exactly, was it Sally's fault?
  • Conrad: Give me a minute. I'm working on it.
  • Joan Walden: Save it, Conrad. Why today? Why do you have to pick today to destroy the house? You know what's happening today.
  • Sally: I tried to tell him, Mom. "Mom's throwing a very important party," I said. "All of her important clients will be here." But he went right ahead and wrecked the house and let Nevins get away. Now, again, I hope you're going to ground him.
  • Joan Walden: Yes, Sally, for a week, but that's none of your business.
  • Conrad: A week? Come on. Two days.
  • Joan Walden: I asked you to do one thing today, Conrad... keep the house clean. Do you know how frustrating it is that you're always doing the exact opposite of what I say?
  • Larry Quinn: Knock, knock, knock.
  • Nevins: [Growling]
  • Larry Quinn: Someone lose a dog? I found him next door in my yard again.
  • Joan Walden: You are a saint.
  • Larry Quinn: And here I thought you were only dating me for my good looks.
  • Conrad: Lucky us. Larry Quinn is here.
  • Larry Quinn: Hey-a, sport. Call me Lawrence. Okay?
  • Sally: You rescued Nevins! Thanks, Lawrence!
  • Larry Quinn: It was my pleasure, Sally. Anything for my little princess.
  • Sally: Oh, I don't wanna be a princess. In a constitutional monarchy parliament has all the real power.
  • Larry Quinn: I see. Okay, that's great. Uh, look, pal, be a sport. Why don't you go tidy up the living room. Okay... dude?
  • Conrad: I don't have to listen to you, Larry.
  • Joan Walden: Conrad, do what Lawrence says.
  • Larry Quinn: Have you given some thought about the Wilhelm Academy?
  • Joan Walden: You mean the Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy for Troubled Youth?
  • Larry Quinn: That's the one, Joan.
  • Joan Walden: I'm not sure it's right for Conrad.
  • Larry Quinn: Oh, Joan, Joan. Joan, Joan, Joan. I have so much respect for you, Joan. Single mother, careerwoman, raising two children on your own, and still finding time to be the best darned real estate agent in town. I know how hard it is, Joan.
  • Joan Walden: It is hard.
  • Larry Quinn: Oh... I know. And I know how hard you're trying. This is a once-in-a-lifetime proposition, and you must act now. The Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy for Troubled Youth is what we call in the sales game a win-win scenario. A top-flight military school, and it's only eight hours away.
  • [Phone Rings]
  • Joan Walden: Oh, the phone.
  • [Phone Rings]
  • Conrad: I heard what you said. I'm not going to military school, Larry.
  • Larry Quinn: Look, buddy, I know I'm not your dad and this is probably really strange for your neighbor's dating your mom. But, here's the thing, son. Come here. I don't like you either. But I'm gonna marry your mom. And if it was up to me, you'd be at military school today.
  • Conrad: I'm not going to military school.
  • Larry Quinn: Ohh! I think you're gonna love it. It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline. And one more thing... It's Lawrence, you snot-nosed son of a wonderful woman who I'm absolutely crazy about! [Grunting] Oww!
  • Joan Walden: Gosh, I love children!
  • Larry Quinn: Oh, Joan, I didn't see you there.
  • Joan Walden: Would you be a doll and help me bring up chairs from the basement?
  • Larry Quinn: Nothing would give me more pleasure, Joan, but I do have to run. I have a very important sales conference downtown.
  • Joan Walden: Oh. Okay. Well, I'll see you at the party tonight.
  • Larry Quinn: Sure.
  • Conrad: Mom, that guy's a total phony. You can let Larry...
  • Joan Walden: It's Lawrence, Conrad.
  • [Doorbell Rings]
  • Kate the Caterer: Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.
  • Joan Walden: Oh, hi. Where's Kate?
  • Kate the Caterer: I'm Kate.
  • Joan Walden: Oh. Okay. Right this way, Kate.
  • Conrad: Mom, you've gotta listen to me...
  • [Phone Ringing]
  • Sally: Quiet! Two weeks ago you said you would... [Joan Screams] I "specialed" it. See?
  • Joan Walden: Quiet! Nevins! [Ringing Continues] I said quiet! [Ringing] Joan Walden Real Estate. Be it ever so humble, there's no place like Joan.
  • Mr. Humberfloob: This is Mr. Humberfloob.
  • Joan Walden: Oh, hi, Mr. Humberfloob.
  • Mr. Humberfloob: Joan, I need you to come back to the office.
  • Joan Walden: Today?
  • Mr. Humberfloob: Yes, Joan. No problem?
  • Joan Walden: No problem at all.
  • Mr. Humberfloob: Great.
  • Joan Walden: [Gasps]
  • Sally: What's going on, Mommy?
  • Joan Walden: Mommy has to go back to the office. Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can babysit.
  • Conrad: Not Mrs. Kwan!
  • [Doorbell Rings]
  • Joan Walden: Oh! Hi, Mrs. Kwan.
  • Mrs. Kwan: Hi. I'm running late.
  • Joan Walden: Thanks for babysitting on such short notice.
  • Mrs. Kwan: Mmm, yeah.
  • Joan Walden: Okay, Mrs. Kwan.
  • Mrs. Kwan: Oh-oh-oh!
  • Joan Walden: I'll be back in a couple of hours.
  • Mrs. Kwan: Hi.
  • Joan Walden: Conrad's grounded, so no video games. Sally? Last chance. If you wanna make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend Ginny's house.
  • Nevins: [Growling]
  • Sally: Ginny's not my friend anymore. Last time we made cupcakes, she wanted to be the head chef. I'm the head chef.
  • Joan Walden: What about Denise, then?
  • Sally: She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak me anymore. And you don't like bossy? I won't tolerate it.
  • Joan Walden: Right. Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules. Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone, "City morgue."
  • Sally: Mommy, can't I have some rules?
  • Joan Walden: No chewing tobacco.
  • Sally: Thanks, Mom. You have my word.
  • Joan Walden: And absolutely no one sets foot in the living room, or else.
  • Conrad: Or else what? You're gonna do what Larry said and send me to military school?
  • Joan Walden: Maybe if you'd just behave, I wouldn't have to consider military school. I wish i could trust you.
  • Conrad: I wish i had a different mom.
  • Joan Walden: Well, sometimes I wish the same thing.
  • [Door Opens]
  • [Door Slams]
  • Joan Walden: Mmm. Good luck with you meeting.
  • [Car Door Closes]
  • [Grunting]
  • Mrs. Kwan: Children, would you like to watch television with me? We don't have to tell your mother.
  • [TV: Channel Changing]
  • [Speaking Chinese]
  • [Yelling]
  • Conrad: Taiwanese parliament.
  • [TV: Yelling, Blows Landing]
  • Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big government!
  • [TV: Karate Yells]
  • Rip his heart out!
  • [TV: Blows Landing, Yelling Continue]
  • [Snoring]
  • [Whimpers]
  • Mrs. Kwan: Hit me! [Sighs]

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