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The Cat in the Hat Caption Script

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  • [bell chimes with splahes]
  • Narrator: The Cat in the Hat presents: Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat.
  • ['60s jazz orchestration]
  • [playful flute leads string]
  • [thunder rumbling] blam, blam... blam.
  • Narrator: The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play. Just sit in a house all that cold, cold, wet day.
  • Mother: Goodbye, kids, I'm leaving now. Have fun--I'll be back at, uh, 3:30 sharp.
  • Narrator: Sit by the window. Just sit there and stew. And wish there were something-- [yawning] something to do. Too gooey and dunky outdoors to play ball. Nothin' doing... nothing at all.
  • Chorus: ♪ Fun, fun, How can you have fun? Just sittin' doing nothin' when there's nothin' to be done. Nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin', Absolutely nothin', nothin', Positively, absolutely, Absitivly, posolutely, Nothin', nothin', nothin', nothin', Nothin' to be done. ♪
  • Narrator: Nothing to do but sit, sit, sit. Just sit in the house. Just sit there and grump. Then, all of a sudden, something went...bump!
  • [orchestration builds]
  • Sally: Look!
  • Conrad: A cat!
  • Sally: In a hat!
  • Cat in the Hat: You will note, I am neat--wiped my feet on the mat.
  • Thump
  • [strings race]
  • [horns rise menacingly]
  • [orchestration deflates]
  • Cat in the Hat: Why must you... Why do you sit there like that? I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny. I know it is damp and the sidewalks are runny, but I can't see now.
  • Fish: You listen here. Cat is why you'd sit there like that.
  • Cat in the Hat: I know some good games we can play.
  • Fish: Listen, cat!
  • Cat in the Hat: I know some great tricks.
  • Fish: Listen, cat!
  • Cat in the Hat: Your mother won't mind if I do. I'm simply itching to show them to you... and to you.
  • Fish: Out of this house--I'm warning you! Get!
  • Cat in the Hat: Who's that? I believe we haven't yet met.
  • Fish: The name is Krinklebein--Karlos K. Krinklebein.
  • Cat in the Hat: Ooh.
  • Fish: Please go away. Tell that top-hatted cat he should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out!
  • Cat in the Hat: My dear Mr. Krinklebein, my tricks are quite safe! I invite you to join in the fun, if you wish, with a game that I call, "up-up-up with a fish."
  • [strings rise and fall]
  • Fish: Put me down! Put me down, you fool cat.
  • bup, bup...bup
  • Fish: Outrageous! Now, let me repeat, and I don't like to shout, but he should not be here when your mother is out!
  • Cat in the Hat: It's up to you kids, whatever you say. If you think me untrustworthy send me away.
  • Sally: Well, he is getting the house sort of messy and dirty... and Mother--
  • Conrad: Yeah, Mother--back home at 3:30.
  • Cat in the Hat: Ahh, a vote of no confidence.
  • [flute leads gentle guitar]
  • Cat in the Hat: I most humbly bow to the voice of the majority. Goodbye now--off to Siberia.
  • Cat in the Hat: Ha! Somebody stole my moss-covered, three-handled family gradunza! Noboby's gonna leave this room until I find it.
  • Conrad: Pardon me, sir, you lost a moss-covered, what?
  • Cat in the Hat: Three-handled family gradunza!
  • Fish: Humph.
  • Cat in the Hat: So, that's your attitude, eh, Krinklestein? Did you steal it? There's a gradunza-snitcher in the house. [tearfully] Things will never be the same. ♪ How dear to my heart was that beautiful gradunza. That my old feline father bequeathed to me. That old family gradunza, The old, three-handled family gradunza, The old, moss-covered, three-handled family gradunza. That hung on the family tree. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: I've been burgled--thwertled by a fish.
  • Conrad: Aw, give him back to him, Mr. Krinklebein.
  • Sally: Come on now, don't be mean.
  • Fish: But I didn't steal his what sis. I'm guiltness! I'm clean!
  • Cat in the Hat: Thwertled by a fish. [dramatically] ♪ I'll never see my darling, Moss-covered, three handled family gradunza anymore. ♪
  • Fish: By the way, cat, just what is a family gradunza?
  • Cat in the Hat: Oh, They come in all styles--triple G minus aught.
  • Conrad: Is it bigger than--
  • Cat in the Hat: Occasionally, on most occasions naught.
  • Sally: Is it smaller than--
  • Cat in the Hat: They're no longer to make that kind. But, one family gradunza is always smaller than another. ♪ Should old family grandunzas be forgot and never brought to mind. ♪ Now, if i were a fish, where would I hide a moss-covered, three-handled family gradunza?
  • ['60s jazz orchestration]
  • Conrad: Whatever it is, it isn't here.
  • Sally: Whatever it is, it isn't here.
  • Cat in the Hat: Wherever it is, it is left in some lurch. Wherever it is, we must speed up the search.
  • Fish: I'll tell you this--it's not in the unabridged dictionary. But let's find that thing and get rid of that cat!
  • Cat in the Hat: There are more, hmm-mm, scientific methods of searching than that.
  • Fish: And just what kind of science does the cat recommend?
  • Cat in the Hat: Why, the principle of calculatus eliminatus, my friend.
  • Fish: Calculatus, what?!
  • Cat in the Hat: Calculatus eliminatus. I went to Cat Tech, where I studied the same. What other cats do you know who can make such a claim?
  • Fish: Very well, Dr. Calculatus, find it and eliminatus yourself.
  • Cat in the Hat: I shall indeed.
  • [jazzy horns lead '60s orchestration]
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ When you've mislaid a certain something, keep your cool and don't get hot. Calculatus eliminatus is the best friend that you've got. Calculatus eliminatus always helps an awful lot. The way to find a missing something is to find out where it's not. ♪ It isn't here. I'll mark this "X." It isn't there. I'll mark that "Y." ♪ It isn't underneath the apple. ♪ Mark the apple "HKI."
  • Conrad: It isn't in this keyhole.
  • Sally: It isn't on my knee.
  • Cat in the Hat: Mark the keyhole "K-300." Mark the knee "57B." ♪ We just jot down all the places where it isn't and gee whiz--very shortly we will locate where the missing object is. ♪
  • Conrad: It isn't here.
  • Cat in the Hat: 842-J.
  • Sally: It isn't there.
  • Cat in the Hat: F607--You can mark the piano "22 thousand decimal point 11."
  • Sally: It isn't in the icebox.
  • Cat in the Hat: That's strange--
  • Conrad: It's not on this TV.
  • Cat in the Hat: Icebox: 0-2-4 1/2. TV: 1,000,003. ♪ When you mislaid a certain something, keep your cool, don't go to pot. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat and Kids: ♪ Calculatus eliminatus is the best friend that you've got. ♪
  • Kids: ♪ Calculatus eliminatus always helps an awful lot. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ The way to find a missing something ♪
  • Cat in the Hat and Kids: ♪ Is to find out where it's not. ♪
  • Fish: Look at this house!
  • Fish: Look at this! Look at that! This uncouth, barbaric, pompestuous lout! He should not be here when their mother is out!
  • [bass leads jazzy horn]
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ Very well, I'm a punk, A kratunkulous schnunk. Nobody loves me, Not one tiny hunk. I agree, I'm a griffulous, groffulous groo. I'm a schmoosler, A schminkler and a poop-poobler too. I'm a horrendous hobject which nobody loves. I'm untouchable, unless you wear antiseptical gloves. So what, I'm a punk, A kratunkulous schnunk. Nobody loves me, Not one tiny hunk. ♪ I'm a punk!
  • Fish: Kratunkulos schnunk! Shuntunkulous cat! Incratchulos--Out! Out! Out! OUT!
  • Cat in the Hat: Krinkle-fish, old fellow, your little fish nerves are so jumpy-wumpy. Fishenstein, poor fellow, your little heart's going bumpy-wumpy. Fishber, old fellow, I know what you need. You need a small tranquilizer, you do indeed. Poor, troubled Krinkle-fish friend, just relax, close your eyes. Your good old Uncle Cat will now proceed to tranquilize.
  • [sung to "Beautiful Dreamer"]
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ Beautiful kitten-fish, sleep, baby, sleep. Your eyelids are droopy, bloop, bloop, bloop, bleep, bleep. The sandman on tiptoes comes creep, creep, creep, creep. Hush your mouth, Shush your mouth, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Safe in your beddy-bye, sweet dreams to you. With your teddy bear steady by, bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo. Beautiful kitten-fish, sleep, baby, sleep. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep. ♪
  • [clarients punctuate tiptoeing]
  • [violins swoon]
  • Conrad: You sure relaxed Mr. K.
  • Cat in the Hat: He needed sweet sleep in his bad-addled brains. But the problem of finding my moss-covered, family gradunza remains. Hmm, I need help. I most truely, fruely do.
  • [snare drum riff]
  • Cat in the Hat: In this box are my helpmates, Thing One and Thing Two. From this box will emerge Thing Two and Thing One, and they can find anything under the sun. ♪ It can be done, it can be done. They can do anything, anything, anything under the sun. If your nerves are getting nervous and your house is topsy-turvus, They are always at your service. Thing Two and Thing One. ♪
  • Things: ♪ Fish, fish, there's always one, some long-faced, sore-bellied son of a gun. There's always some fish, some sore-bellied fish who's only one wish is to flatten the fun. Doesn't like fun, doesn't like fun. Good, clean, wholesome, innocent fun. ♪
  • Fish: FBI? FBI? Listen! Listen, I am a fish residing at 2322 Magnolia Boulevard and I want to report a cat in the hat. FBI! FBI! slap, slap, slap, slap. Somebody please answer! Where is everybody?
  • Thing Two: Sorry, that line is temporarily out of order.
  • Things: ♪ There's always some fish who doesn't like fun. Good, clean, wholesome, innocent fun. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ They can find anything, anything under the sun. ♪
  • Things: ♪ This reactionary fish-faced louse. Doesn't like flyin' kites in the house. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ They can find anything, anything under the sun. ♪
  • Things: ♪ Oh bobbidit, bickety, bickety bores. Kites, he thinks oughta fly outdoors. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ Thing One and Thing Two, Thing Two and Thing One. They can find anything, anything, anything under the sun. ♪
  • Thing One: [deep voice] Hello.
  • Thing Two: Thank you.
  • Thing One: 22, 37, 43, 10, 67, 21, 14, 8...hike!
  • crash!
  • dink-a-dink!
  • [footsteps] clomp, clomp... clomp.
  • Things: ♪ There's always some fish, some crotchety one. There's always some fish, some blotchety one. There's always some fish, some sore-bellied fish. There's always some fish, some fish. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ If your nerves are getting nervous and your house is topsy-turvus. They will both be at your service on the run. They'll find my long lost, moss-covered, three-handled family gradunza, Thing Two and Thing One. ♪
  • [deep bassoon plays comically]
  • thump
  • bam!
  • Fish: Out! Out! Out of this house!
  • Cat in the Hat: Out?! Out?! Why, every house should have a cat in it. Curled up by the fireplace little warm--
  • Fish: Out! And take those things with you--out!
  • Cat in the Hat: Take the things? Who ever heard of a house without things?
  • Fish: Th-they're not things, they're--they're--You're not a cat! Whoever heard of a 6-foot cat?
  • Cat in the Hat: But, I am a cat. Technically, a cat in a hat.
  • Fish: You're not a cat! That's not a hat! You're not a cat in a hat! You're a--
  • Cat in the Hat: I am indeed a cat! And this...indeed, is a hat! ♪ In English, cat, hat, In French, chat, chapeau. It really is quite obvious, don't you know. In English, cat, hat, In French, chat, chapeau. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, here we go. ♪
  • [horns playing a cancan]
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ I repeat, cat, hat, In French, chat, chapeau. In Spanish, el gato in a sombrero. ♪
  • Kids: ♪ He's a cat in a hat, He's a chat in a chapeau. He also is a gato in a sombrero. Olé, Olé, Olé, Olé-o. ♪
  • [mariachi horns resound]
  • Cat in the Hat: Where were we? Oh, yes.
  • [harp sichord interlude]
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ Cat, hat, in French, chat, chapeau. In Spanish, el gato in a sombrero. And i'll tell you something more now, you listen to me good. In German, I'm a katze und dies ist mein hut. Ist das nicht ein katze hut? ♪
  • Kids: ♪ Ya, das ist ein katze hut! Katze hut! Katze hut! Ya, das ist ein katze hut! ♪
  • [German folk tune playing]
  • Cat in the Hat: Now, if you're in a receptive state...of mind, I'll recapitulate.
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ Cat, hat, In French, chat, chapeau. In Spanish, el gato in a sombrero. In German, I'm a katze in a hut and don't you know. I'm a gwunka in a bunka-kwunk in Eskimo. ♪
  • Fish: ♪ You're a gwunka in a bunka-kwunk in Eskimo. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: Right!
  • Kids: ♪ He's a gwunka in a bunka-kwunk in Eskimo. Ist das nicht ein bunka-kwunk? Ya, das ist ein bunka-kwunk. Gwunka-bunka. Gwunka-bunka. Yes indeedy, that is so. He's a gwunka in a bunka-kwunk in Eskimo. ♪
  • Fish: Now, to be certain I have this straight, I'll re-recapitulate. ♪ Cat, hat, in French, chat, chapeau. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: Good.
  • Fish: ♪ In Spanish, you're a gato in a sombrero. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: Ooh.
  • Fish: ♪ In German, you're a katze in a hut, I also know. You're a gwunka in a bunka-kwunk in Eskimo. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: By George, I think he's got it.
  • Fish: ♪ Now, would you will allow me, sir, don't think, I'm pushin'. I think I can tell you what you are in Russian. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: What?
  • Fish: ♪ Shapka, shylapah. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: Ha!
  • Fish: ♪ You're a shapka in a shylapa--Hey! ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: I am? Why, that's splendid. scrunch-pop! ♪ I'm a shapka in a shylapa, I'm a shapka in a shylapa, I'm a shapka in a shylapa, I'm a shapka in a shylapa, I'm a shapka in a shylapa, I'm a shapka in a shylapa, I'm a shapka in a shylapa, I'm a shapka in a shylapa. ♪ aaaa. That's enough of that--I'm a cat in a hat.
  • Things: ♪ He's a cat of many countries, He's a cat of many hats. ♪
  • Fish and Things: ♪ He's a guffy in a busby, He's a snaka in a snatz. ♪
  • Kids: ♪ And in Scotland, Up in Scotland, In bonnie Scotland. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ In bonnie Scotland, I'm a [toot] in a [toot-toot-toot]. ♪
  • Things: ♪ In bonnie Scotland, He's a [toot] in a [toot-toot-toot] ♪
  • Kids: ♪ In Switzerland, in Switzerland, In Switzer-witzer-witzerland. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ I'm a yodel-yodel-yodel in a yodel-ey-ee-hoo. ♪
  • Kids: ♪ He's a yodel-yodel-yodel in a yodel-ey-ee-hoo. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: What am I dear old Ireland?
  • Conrad: Why, you're a kait in a kinfert.
  • Cat in the Hat: And in Holland?
  • Sally: You're, uh, lemme see, oh, you're a kat in a hoe.
  • Cat in the Hat: Glory be.
  • Things: ♪ He's a cat of many countries, He's a cat of many hats. Many foreign countries and an awful lot of hats. ♪
  • Fish and Things: ♪ In Boogoo-boogoo, he's just darling. He's a scoogoo in a swarling. ♪
  • Kids and Things: ♪ He's a bonka in a best, He's a wonka in a west. ♪
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ Out in Paris, Foda-foda, I'm a perk in a pedora, I'm a futz in a fedora, how are things in Glocamora. ♪
  • Kids: ♪ What a cat. ♪
  • Fish: ♪ What a cat. ♪
  • Kids: ♪ In a hat. ♪
  • Fish: ♪ In a hat. ♪
  • [car honks] beep-beep, beep.
  • Fish: Your mother!
  • Conrad: Mother!
  • Sally: Mother!
  • [horns race]
  • Cat in the Hat: Thank you for a fascinating afternoon.
  • Sally: What do we do now?
  • Fish: She's passing Mrs. Blumberg's house.
  • [strings rise]
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ Sweep, Sweep up the memories. Those old, untidy memories. Broken, mixed-up memories. Of what we had one day. ♪
  • Fish: She's passing Mrs. Thompson's house.
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ Sweep, Sweep out the nonsense. That crazy happy nonsense. This world's too old for nonsense. Sweep, just sweep it all away. ♪
  • Fish: Here she is--coming up the driveway.
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ Everything in a state of grace. Everything back in its proper place. No more rainbows for us to chase. No more games to play. ♪
  • Fish: Garage door's open--she's inside the garage!
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ Sweep, Sweep out the laughter. There's no more time for laughter. At least, not until after I come back now ♪
  • Fish: She's taking the groceries out of the car!
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ You know ♪
  • Fish: Here she comes!
  • Cat in the Hat: ♪ I just may. ♪
  • slam
  • Mother: Hi, kids--Hope you had fun today. Well, you kids will never believe this, but I could almost swear I saw a cat! A cat in a hat, mind you--going down the street with a moss-covered, three-handled family gradunza.
  • [following violin score]
  • ['60s jazz orchestration]
  • [orchestral fanfare]
  • Funding for purchase and captioning of this video was provided by the U.S. Department of Education: PH: 1-800-USA-LEARN (V).

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